Yesterday I had a breakdown-breakthrough moment with a situation in my life. I was consumed with anger and frustration. I found myself yelling and screaming out of a rage that possessed me from remembering the past with a particular person. The story is not important anymore; it is what I gained in self-knowledge that I carry. After I wiped my tears and drank a glass of water, I closed that chapter of my life. It is not constructive for me to rehash and retraumatize myself. I am stepping into a space of embracing compassion for that situation.
This morning, Iyanla Vanzant posted a very poignant quote that caught my attention immediately:
“Shhhh! Don’t tell that story again! Don’t utter another syllable about the pain, the losses that have left you broken, unless you are ready to recover right now. Stop dragging yourself back there, reminding yourself of how bad it was for you then unless it has some relevance to what you are doing right now. Each time you think about, talk about, or remember then, you put that energy squarely in the middle of your life right now.“
Shortly after, my sister called me to check on me after yesterday’s breakdown. I told her where I had come to with it, and we had this conversation about getting out of cycles of despair. It always brightens my day to talk to her, because she and I share the position that transcendence is possible through evolving. Though, we are not negating the shadows of life, it no longer serves us to go and drudge it back up. I seek to let my shadow pass over me so that I may bring more of my authentic self to the light. Instead of a place of blame, I seek to have more compassion for everyone I come into contact with, and exercise my healthier boundaries.
I have a practice of retiring poems and blog posts I’ve written in raw emotions during specific parts of my healing process. Retiring them and not looking at those words is how those wounds become faint scars. I am a strong supporter of sharing and telling stories. It gives our pain a voice. Yet, it is very easy to stay in that energy vortex if you keep telling the same story over and over without coming to a new place with it. It’s the difference between, “this happened to me!!” and “this happened to me…and this is what I did with it.”
Transcending the past is a powerful choice one must make. It does not mean that it didn’t happen; it means it no longer has power over your present and future. I remember that evolving out of my past trauma came with being tired of repeating the story. It caused anxiety in me just to tell the gory details. Going to therapy and having friends along the way support me served its purpose. At this height of the game, I can’t even so much as think about certain things in my past without feeling a little dizzy. Our thoughts and words are very powerful. For anyone who is ready to evolve out of their past and clear the way for the new, here are some questions to consider:
Who are you without the burden of your past?
Why are you still holding onto the hurt? What do you get out of it?
What would happen if you gave up the memory?
What are you resisting?
What is at stake if you stay trapped in old stories and memories?
What parts of the story do you still need to honor to properly let it go?
What do you want to take with you from the past? What lessons and healing have you received?
Who do you want to be in the here and the now?
I am creating a new sense of self, aware of who I am and am becoming. The past is too heavy to carry with me into that new world. And so it goes…